Frozen
by idioticonion
Summary: Barney was shot and killed in 2030 story: Valentine but, during an Zombie outbreak in NYC, Barney is brought back to life. These stories address what happened next.
1. Chapter 1

**Frozen**

_**Note: Based on "Valentine" (set in 2030 where Barney was shot and killed), these stories continue the story by da_phoenix13 on livejournal which brought Barney back as a zombie.**_

--

**2030**

1.

Barney begins to slow down, like a clock that needs winding. Robin sees it in little ways and she worries - not that he'll attack her, or their friends, or Sam. Just that she'll lose him again.

Then one day, he won't get out of bed. He'll barely talk to her. He just opens his eyes and there's a white film across them and he moans.

Oh god.

He's immobile, frozen in place. A corpse.

Robin lies beside him for the best part of a day, her hand in his, and wonders, if she dies, whether she will rise again.

2.

That evening, Robin hauls herself out of bed, throwing a comforter and two blankets over Barney (he no longer opens his eyes) and heads out for the hospital.

She's quite prepared to grab some terminally ill patient at this stage, use a chainsaw or a hacksaw on the top of their skull and force-feed the brain to Barney.

After all, after the bloodbath at MacLaren's, she doesn't think she'll ever feel squeamish again.

But when she gets there, flinching away from the constant wail of sirens, the rush of medical staff, she feels barely human herself; pale, lurching and cannibalistic.

3.

The hospital is drowning in chaos but somehow Robin finds herself eves-dropping on a conversation between two doctors. She hears the words "Synthetic zombie nutrient" and she follows them at a distance, peering through tiny windows into a ward of patients - no, _Zombies_ - strapped to beds and hooked up to IVs.

"There's nothing we can do about their hunger," A doctor says. "It consumes them and they turn on us."

Robin grabs a case of plastic pockets full of muddy-red liquid and she runs, blindly, through the empty streets.

She only knows that she can't lose Barney again.

4.

Together, the four of them work out how to hook up an IV. They are inept, they miss his desiccated veins several times, but what's the worse that can happen?

They can't kill him and they can't anesthetise him.

Eventually the brown-red sludge begins to circulate through the tubes, his muscles unlock and his eyelids flutter open. Something snaps inside Robin and she breaks down in Ted's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

After an hour, and three of the nutrient pouches, his lips move.

"Barney?" She gulps, wiping her still-running nose.

"You snore," He croaks.

She buries her face in his chest.

5.

Ted and Marshall raid the hospital for more nutrients. The both dress in black, like little kids playing at being ninjas. Lily rolls her eyes indulgently and tells them to be safe.

Robin sits with Barney. "Why didn't you tell me?" She asks him.

He blinks. His eyes are pale blue again. "Tell you what?"

"About the terrible hunger."

He grimaces. "No one could have done anything to help."

"I helped," she frowns. "I brought you back."

He remains silent.

"Barney?"

After a moment he sighs and says "Yeah, you helped."

But she knows he's lying and she turns away.

6.

"Hey?" Barney reaches for her with icy fingers and tries to smile. "You helped." He nods down at the blanket covering his naked body, to where it tents over his groin.

Her eyebrows shoot up. "What the hell?"

He's infuriatingly smug. "I'm just that awesome. Living-dead boner high five!"

She slaps his palm. "Or it's the nutrients."

"Probably the nutrients."

"Still…" She caresses his naked chest. "Would it be really creepy?"

"Are you _kidding_?" He snorts. "So creepy. But in a hot and kinky way."

"Maybe not hot."

"It'll warm up!"

"Okay, let's do it."

"Just don't tell Lily, okay?"

7.

There's some weird mechanics to consider. Does she need to use a condom? Are they rushing it? After all, he's barely thawed and already they're going at it like teenagers.

She's gotten used to kissing his cold lips, it doesn't faze her, but she's never felt him inside her before.

It's kind of like making love to a Popsicle.

He's watching her expression, moving in and out of her.

"Can you even feel anything?" She asks him.

"Oh don't worry… I feel… " His eyes un-focus and his features contort. He lets out a very human moan. "Feels too good…"

8.

Robin feels him spasm inside her.

"Shit! Sorry…" He's confused, embarrassed.

She laughs, shifting her weight to roll off him. "Hey, it's been a long time."

"No-" He says, holding her in place. "No, stay there." He moves his hips experimentally. He's still hard inside her. "What _up_, Scherbatsky!"

"That's a useful new trick!" She says, moaning as he thrusts into her.

"Word." He grins, his eyes gleaming as he drives her closer and closer to the edge, her body burning like a furnace, like the sun, resurrecting him with the power of her orgasm as it crashes through her.

9.

If Lily overhears Robin's cries of pleasure then she's tactful enough not to mention it, which Barney takes as proof that she definitely didn't.

By the time Ted and Marshall return from the hospital, Barney is out of bed and moving around in the apartment, dressed/smothered in several layers of jumpers and coats.

"I don't feel the cold," he insists, and his hands do feel a little warmer. Damn, if only they understood what the nutrient did!

"Do you think the nutrient might un-zombie you?" Lily asks him, hopefully.

"No," he replies, with such finality that it depresses them all.

10.

"Why not?" Marshall asks.

"Because I was shot. If I came alive, I'd just bleed out again."

They all shift uncomfortably and Robin scowls. She doesn't care if he's human or zombie. "I love you," she murmurs into his ear.

He grins and when Lily asks Robin what she said, Robin reassures her that it was something dirty.

Then Sam arrives and he can't help but launch himself at his uncle.

"Will you stop dying already!" Sam complains.

"When you do something about your dress sense," Barney sighs. "A wifebeater? I'd be rolling in my grave right now." He grins.


	2. Answers

**Answers**

Barney went to church.

Nobody went to church anymore, which he thought was a sad indictment on their modern culture. Certainly no zombies went to church.

He, however, thought it was time he had a serious chat with the big guy.

"Yo," he said with a tilt of his head at the life-size wood carving of Jesus on the cross. He caught himself, pressed his palms together and smiled awkwardly. "Sorry Bro." He cleared his throat. He didn't need to clear his throat because, hello, no phlegm. But it was a human reflex brought on by nerves.

"So," he said with a sigh. "Questions…" He bit his lip. "And I think you owe me some answers, dude. You owe me big time. And you seem like the guy who pays his debts." Barney shut his eyes tight for a moment, until his vision went from grey to red.

"First… why am I the only one… the only dead guy… who isn't out rampaging? Why am I the only one with all my marbles intact?" He thought about this and corrected himself. "-most of my marbles intact."

"Second… where was I before I woke up in that coffin? Because I'm pretty sure that your name wasn't the one I was cussin' when I bit the big one." He grinned. "In fact, I'm pretty sure I was asking Scherbatsky to marry me again." He chuckled. "Does that count as an act of self sacrifice and love? Cos that would look pretty cool on my tombstone."

His expression changed. "And thirdly…" He cleared his throat, his tongue suddenly feeling too thick in his mouth. "Thirdly, how much longer does this go on? This…" He tilted his head. "You know what I mean. The pain… the fucking goddamn pain… no insult intended. The fucking _hunger_… Sometimes when I'm laying next to her I forget myself and I worry that one day she's gonna wake up to a house full of dead friends." He shudders. "I can't even drink to numb any of it. They keep pumping me full of that shit…" He drops his forehead on to the tips of his fingers for a moment, taking a moment, before looking back up to heaven.

"That's it. Three questions. Pretty simple, yeah? Go!"

He slowly closed his eyes and he sat there for long minutes, fingers pressed tightly together, brow furrowed into ridges of concentration.

After a while he opened his eyes and grinned brightly.

"Awesome. Thanks buddy!" He said, springing out of the pew. "Never let me down yet!"

And he left the empty church with a jaunty walk.


End file.
